2 Days and 3 Hours (Not that I’m Counting)

“…it’s not going to be all plain sailing, folks: or plain skiing.”

 

That’s right people. Gather round. Hush now, sssshhhh!! Quite at the back: Thank you. First of all thanks for coming – secondly… Yeeeaaaaaah – you heard it here first – I’m going to Meribel, motherf^*”ers. Not just that… I’m going to Meribel for one hundred and fifty-one bloody days! Boooom. In the words of Matt Damon: “How do you like them apples”.

I am single and I am ready. to. mingle.

When in Rome: do as the Romans do.

The early bird catches the worm.

Other random expressions.

Yes that is right my friends. In just over twenty-four days I will be slipping into my “ski garms” (clothing), popping on my “brain-bucket” (helmet), high-fiving the “liftie” (the lift operator) and schussing (skiing directly downhill – no turning now, chaps) until that slope is entirely “tracked out”. Yes I’m dreaming of being a “ripper” (an accomplished snowboarder, apparently) before heading down the “Douce” for some “après” with my “bros” (not necessarily directly related family members). Hopefully I wont “bail” (fall) on that “rail” (something that they use to “grind” on – I’m still not convinced what this actually is) because that really would be a “fail” (rhymes).

 Now admittedly I will be a tender thirty before I return to sunny London and maybe I’m not so “down with the kids” as I once thought: but I’m sure I can teach them a thing or two, too. Yet I suspect that what I teach them will not be “a way with the ladies”, but more likely: “a way with the frying pan”.

For the next five months I will be head chef in an eighteen-guest chalet at the foot of the Morel* chairlift, Meribel. A cooked breakfast, afternoon tea, canapés, a three course evening meal (with options for each course)… it’s not going to be all plain sailing, folks. Or plain skiing.

Oh: and did I mention – I’ve never cooked for eighteen people in one go. And did I also mention: week two of guests… yep… that’d be Christmas week. Poor poor them. Only joking: I’m pretty damn…just about… ok.

And although I have a distinctive faith in my ability to pull the proverbial rabbit out the hat… Whiskeys at the ready.

There’ll be ups and downs… and lefts and rights… and that’s just on the slopes, folks.

I can’t wait to go… and I hope you’ll follow my tracks as I slalom my way through a fantastical season as “Le Chalet Chef”.

 

* The Morel was built in 1991 by “Pomagalski” – a notorious cable-driven lift system building company – and carries up to 750 people per hour at the rate of 2m per second… as far as my memory on world chairlifts and gondolas serves me anyhow – I certainly haven’t gone and researched it for this specific purpose if that’s what you’re thinking.
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